Chasing After Christ

A Christian woman I greatly respect, who's walked with the Lord for decades longer than I have, is going through a funk. I think we all go through those downtimes in our walk with the Lord, when we feel like we're forcing our feet through desperately sticky mud in our walk down the straight and narrow.

She said to me, "I'm tired of constantly trying to be where the Lord is working. It's been so long since I really felt the excitement of Him working where I am."

That made me wonder... Does she realize that the Lord is always working right next to us? If I asked her, I'm sure she'd say yes, yet I think she's missing the passionate heart of the Lord.

I feel Him right here next to me so often. I can just let go of my worries and fall into His arms. He's working right here in me and through me. I know He's working wonders in other places too. I have friends who worship at churches where He's dramatically moving hearts and changing lives, but I don't feel a need to physically be in those places.

Perhaps it's just me, but the most important chase is the one in my heart. I've felt such excitement for the Lord every day lately that I feel His presence constantly. I chase the kids, wash the laundry, homeschool, write, and yet He's next to me the whole time. I often don't get a decent prayer time, but I can talk to Him at any moment.

He wants ME! Wow! He's chasing after my heart, the one I gave to Him at my baptism, and He loves me passionately. I don't chase after Him at another church, because I'm where I'm supposed to be. But, I don't have to chase, because He's already searched me out, won my soul, and lives with me.

Every day isn't like this, but on those off days, I know that it isn't His fault. He's still here. It's me.

I know a lot of people who chase after the Lord by moving to another place, but the people I want to imitate are the ones who seek the Lord with their hearts and bring the Lord to people around them.

Working Through Conflict - Practical

Anonymous said, "These past decisions now leaves me feeling like I need to have control over everything before we land in the hot seat again even though he is trying to do better. I just don't trust anymore that he can have the control! Oh and the friction and wheel gets going. Help! He is having a hard time releasing some control without feeling like he is stupid or some such nonsense. I am having a hard time trusting in him even though he is trying to release some of his controlling nature and be a Biblical husband/father. Ack!"

I feel for you sister. It's a struggle being married in this world. We make mistakes and our spouses make mistakes, and how can we trust each other not to make mistakes again?

My husband and I went to counseling early in our marriage. Unless you grew up in a perfect home (and who did?), we can all use a little help working through our family's communication problems.

I think you know that your fear is hurting your relationship with your husband. You're afraid that he's going to make a mistake that hurts your family. I’m sure he will, but we all do.

God puts spouses together to help each other.

When you do things without your husband, it increases his sense of loss of control, which makes him hide more from you. He feels like he can’t trust you to support him. I know from experience.

I made some big mistakes with money during the first two years of my marriage with a home business and a credit card. I hid the problem for a year before Bill found out, and when he did he went crazy. It took him a long time to trust me with money. I can't blame him, but unless he wanted to do the bills himself, he had to trust me. He kept an eye on my work and all the credit card statements for a year or so, but we worked together to solve the problem. It hurts so much when Bill brings that stuff up 10 years later. I think we've worked past it, and then he brings it up, making me wonder if he'll ever forgive me.

It sounds like your husband wants to be a responsible, Godly man. Yet, when you hide things from him, it diminishes him as a man and a leader. He's fighting you for his self-esteem.

I'm thinking of two of my friends as I write this. One has been married over 50 years and other has been married over 30 years. Both are dominant women, intelligent women, educated women, and spiritual women. Their husbands are passive, less intelligent, and less outwardly spiritual. I know both men well, and I think that they are spiritual in a quiet, committed, deep way. These women have struggled to give their husbands control. The older of the two women once told me that she often has to hold her tongue to let her husband make the decisions. She could run the family if she wanted to, but realized that she had to force her husband to step up and make decisions. She might even run the family better, but she's realized over the years that doing so doesn't make her happy.

My other friend often feels the desire to tell her husband what to do, because she's smarter than he is and can make more intelligent decisions. She too finds that she has to be careful not to step ahead of her husband.

Your husband needs your input, and you need his authority. We married couples are one-flesh. All the parts are needed to work TOGETHER for the family to function properly. Your husband needs to know that its okay for him to listen to your opinions, logic, and reasoning behind why you think a certain decision should be made. Without those insights, he's made some foolish decisions. He also needs to know that its okay for him to make whatever decision he feels is best after the two of you talk about a decision. I know that you can help him with this! You can help him regain his self-esteem.

Terri's practical advice on how to encourage a man's self-esteem, based on in-depth talks about conflict resolution with professional counselors: Next time you have the opportunity to talk together about a decision (preferably a not too threatening topic - I bet you can come up with a topic for tonight!):
• ask him what his opinion is on the decision that needs to be made
• start offering your opinion by starting with "I feel..."
• ask him what he thinks about that
• when he counters with his opinion, if you don't like it offer, ask about it "Do you think that might cause...?"
• once you've gently laid your opinion on the table, wait for him to make a decision
• once he makes a decision, tell him, "That's a great decision! I'm with you all the way."
• support that decision, even if it goes wrong. He needs to know you're on his side.

If your husband's like mine and tends to be a bit heavy handed with decisions , it can still be caused by lack of self-esteem (or it could be because I am pushing him). Try the same steps as those listed above (offering your opinions, but supporting his decision) and see if your relationship improves. The more my husband feels loved and supported in his decisions, the more he responds lovingly toward me in other ways.

You might need to go together to a professional counselor who will mediate and help you both learn good communication skills. Anonymous, I think you and your husband both want the same thing – a Godly marriage. The hurts and miscommunications are hurting both of you. If you can’t talk it out together, then do go together to someone who will help you work through the past so you can be strong together in the future. My husband and I wouldn’t be nearly as close as we are without learning communication skills from a counselor. I also learned a lot about my husband’s childhood emotional pain that was causing problems in our relationship.

Part of being one-flesh is working together to solve problems. I heard someone say once that marriages don't work when they're divided 50/50. Marriages only work if they're 100/100. Even if the problem is your husband’s fault, if you can take steps to correct the problem and start healing the void, you need to do it. Marriage requires a sacrifice of our pride. I've told Bill before that I think he always expects me to apologize first... then he says, "what about when I... and .... and ... and..." I think you get the picture. We always think that we're the martyrs and forget that they probably feel the same way after putting up with us day after day!

WIN! Becoming the Woman I Want to Be

Becoming the Woman You Want to Be - A 90-Day Journey to Renewing Spirit, Soul, & Body - Donna Partow

As soon as I looked at this book, I knew I wanted to keep it. I need it. It's a daily devotional that takes you step by step through steps that feed your body, soul, and spirit. Each day gives you scriptures to memorize, a passage to read, guided prayer, prayer from your heart, an affirmation to recite, an action to take, an attitude adjustment, a dietary change, and an exercise.

The best part, is that Partow takes you with baby steps through 90 days that will change your life. If it takes 30 days to develop a habit, Partow makes sure that these positive steps become a forever part of your life.

Some of the steps Partow suggests: eat a salad today, bounce five minutes, take a multivitamin, fast today, drink hot lemon water, take a look at people's faces and give a word of encouragement to those who look discouraged. You may think you can do this on your own, but with Partow's words of wisdom, applicable scripture memorization, and attitude adjustment suggestions, you'll come away from these 90 days renewed.

She quotes Charlotte Mason during week 4 of the program. "It is not too much to say that 'habit is ten natures.' We have lost sight of the fact that habit is to life what [railroad tracks] are to [trains]. It follows that lines of habit must be laid down toward given ends and after careful survey, or the joltings and delays of life become insupportable. More, habit is inevitable. If we fail to ease life by laying down habits of right thinking and right acting, habits of wrong thinking and wrong acting fix themselves of their own accord."

Leave a comment after this post for your chance to win this wonderful book!

Win "The Control Trap" - our book of the week

I talk alot on this blog about women and control. We've all struggled with overcoming our fears with control instead of with God. Barbara Sullivan talks about all of this, her own struggles with control, and practical Biblical tips to escape the need to manage people and circumstances. This isn't just for the "control freak", it's for every one of us.

"When the woman stops trying to control, she also helps to break the power of the curse hindering her husband's ability to provide that God issued at the Fall...Jesus redeemed us from the curse of the law, and legally it is broken, but we will not experientially see the effects until we women restore the proper authority structure in our homes. Adam listened to the voice of his wife and was cursed. Now it's time for wives to listen to their husbands and be blessed." (The Control Trap, p. 149) Powerful stuff! Sullivan supports the Biblical authority structure without supporting domination of women.

The book is well organized into sections entitled "Discovering Control", "Becoming 'the Director'", "Why Do We Control?", "Family Ties that Bind", and "Spiritual Roots and Release". Sullivan writes well and fills her chapters with true anecdotes that keep the book entertaining and informative without being preachy.

Place a comment with this post for your chance to win. Make sure I have a way of contacting you, either through your website or an e-mail address.

It Wasn't Meant to Be Like This

My great-uncle Donny died a little over a week ago at church. He died suddenly of a massive heart attack with his wife and pastor present. There's no better way to go to be with the Lord.

The family put a memorial to him up on www.mem.com and posted pictures of him that included Uncle Donny and his wife at my brother's wedding and pictures of Uncle Donny as a young man dressed in his army uniform, carrying a gun, ready to go off to the Korean war.

I'd never seen the pictures of him as a young man. I only knew him as an old man. Boy, was he handsome! It broke my heart to

compare him in the spring of youth with my memory of him as an older, but wiser man. It took me a minute to realize why I felt sad to see him young.

It wasn't meant to be like this. We weren't meant to grow old. We were meant to live young and eternally.

Uncle Donny is in heaven, young again, and living eternally.
We'll meet again, Uncle Donny.

Focus on the Family on Proverbs 31

This time, I love what Focus on the Family published. This article discusses the importance of the good husband who supports the Proverbs 31 woman. "First, the Good Husband recognizes the true value of his wife as a person (31:10). He sees her as God's priceless, one-of-a-kind masterpiece. He knows she's "worth far more than rubies."

Read the whole article. It's good!

http://www.family.org/fofmag/marriage/a0019541.cfm

Proverbs 31 & My Funeral

I read a blog a few days ago where 2 men were arguing about the Proverbs 31 woman. Their argument centered around whether or not the woman was being praised or her husband was being praised. If the husband gets praised at the gates because of his wife, where's her due for all her hard work?

Hello! They're one-flesh. They both work, they work together, and they both get praised.

Most of us strive to be the woman in Proverbs 31:10-31. She's the one who reminds us of the Little Red Hen who plants the wheat, harvests the wheat, takes it to the mill, and bakes the bread. She loves her husband, makes clothes with her hands, she searches far for food, she gets up before the sun to start breakfast, she buys a field and plants a vineyard (entrepreneur), she's strong, she's discerning and prepared, she cares for the poor, and prepares for every possible ill that could happen to her family. She speaks wisely and kindly. She's never idle. Her kids make her happy and her husband tells her how wonderful she is.

Are you a Proverbs 31 woman? Personally, I think it's an unreachable goal. Too many of us (me included) have tried and tried to do everything she does, including get up before the sun. Personally, I just tried and tried to 'get up shortly AFTER the sun'. So far, I've only made it to 'get up when the baby wakes up' (because he yells for me).

I could look at myself as a failure, or I can look at myself as a woman who's imperfect and doing her best to learn to become the best she can be.

I'm convinced that any woman who thinks she can do everything the Proverbs 31 woman can is a miserable, grumpy woman. It's too much to do.

Perhaps as I learn to be the best I can be, I'll be amazed at what my life looks like when I look back.

A friend's father died last week. He was 70 years old, the owner of a large landscaping company who refused to retire, and a reverend who preached in a nursing home every weekend. His funeral service lasted for hours, because so many people wanted to remember the wonderful things he'd done for them.

I hope that someday people will be at my funeral remembering the wonderful things I did for them and wondering how God enabled me to do what I did. Or, as my husband's seminary professor said, "If I'm not a saint when I die, I have no one to blame but myself." (Saint's meaning those Christians who have an astounding closeness to God that empowers them to perform remarkable feats during their lives.)

But, hey. I've heard it said that if we shoot for the stars we'll at least reach the moon. I may never be a saint, but maybe I'll get halfway there.

More On Roles

After reading my last post, a friend sent me this: "I think us gals have so much on our plate that it becomes frustrating. My peace... it comes from just one source...God...and he constantly reminds me that I'm not wonder woman and that it's okay to slow down, smell the flowers and the java, and just enjoy being." (Roz)

Amen!

I do want to make it clear that I'm not against Focus on the Family. My mom bought a copy of the Strong Willed Child by Dobson when I was tiny, and, God bless her, she needed it for all 3 of us. I now have her well worn copy on my shelves for my kids.

I'm also not against prioritizing and knowing what's most important.

Lately the "roles" thing has bothered me. I don't mind calling myself a wife or knowing that my husband takes priority over the kids. I've even done the labeling thing in my mind, in a helpful way, to remind myself to get off these e-mails, because those kids need food!

My problem is that when we (men and women) label ourselves with roles, the roles become like old, tired ruts. We have trouble moving out of them to new ground. If we allow ourselves to live in a "role", we may be blocking out additional gifts and talents that the Lord may want us to use.

When we live in a role, we forget to look beyond ourselves and our typical actions to a new thing the Lord may ask of us for a specific moment or as a new adventure. For example, if a woman is called to step up to the microphone to be the next Beth Moore, it wouldn't fit in her old roles. She has to listen to the Lord and be ready and prepared to take a new step.

Roles also keep us from seeing our true worth. We tend to place our value in excelling at doing something (at least I do - I have a type A personality) instead of placing our value in the fact that the Lord loves us. That's what gives unborn children and people with severe mental retardation the same value as a productive member of society. They too are human, and that alone gives them worth. They don't need to be achieving someTHING to be as important to God as me.

Win a Book Here!

This is a little off topic, but since every girl needs a healthy vice, like reading fluffy Christian romance, I'm offering a free, brand new copy of "Stealing Adda" by Tamara Leigh to whomever I draw out of a hat! Leave a comment about this website by clicking on "comment" at the end of this entry. Be sure to include you name and e-mail address. Next Friday, March 10th, I'll put all the names in a hat, draw one out, and mail the book off to the winner. (I'll contact you for your mailing address then.)

Stealing Adda, releasing this month, is a Christian chick-lit novel by the award-winning writer of 7 traditional romance novels. It's her first foray into the CBA market.

Tamara, how many books have you published to date?

My first book, WARRIOR BRIDE, was published by Bantam in 1994 and was followed by six more medieval romances--four with Bantam, two with HarperCollins, and one with Dorchester. STEALING ADDA makes number eight!

How much of the book is based on your experience in the publishing world?

Naturally, many of my own experiences in the publishing world of romance served as the foundation upon which STEALING ADDA was written. Unfortunately, my experiences are nowhere near as exciting, entertaining, or devastating as Adda's. Or perhaps fortunately, hmm?

Are you concerned that publishers and editors will take offense to the insider's look you provide of that world?

Sometimes the truth hurts. The good news is that publishers and editors aren't the ones who'll be buying STEALING ADDA. As the majority of publishers and editors are New Yorkers, they're hardly thin-skinned. In fact, some might think I painted a pretty rosy picture of their world.

What turned you from writing historicals to writing contemporaries?

That would be my therapist. Just kidding. Actually, I went on strike--as in burned out, disillusioned, and fed up. But that's another story Adda could tell far better than I.

Which is harder, historicals or contemporaries?

Historicals. Definitely. Though the medieval time period remains my first love and I hope to write more for the inspirational market, I've never had as much fun writing a book as I did when I tackled STEALING ADDA.

Thanks, Tamara, for the short chat and the chance to let one of my readers read your book for free.

Rating Your Importance?

I bought a devotional book from Focus on the Family called "Divinely Designed" as a resource for the book on womanhood that I'm writing. On page 12, I read, "What are your present roles as a woman (e.g., wife, employee, daughter, student, mother)? Rate each role in order of personal importance..." Boy did that burn me up!

I'm offended that a large Christian organization that's supposedly pro-family would include something like that in a devotional. Rank your roles?

Let me explain. Supposing I ranked my roles:
1. daughter of God
2. wife
3. mother
4. church member
5. business owner

What does that say to me? It says that if I'm not always happy with #1, then there's something wrong with me. What if I'm not enjoying my role as mother today? Then there's something wrong with me.

There is importance in knowing that our relationship with God take priority, then our relationship with our husband, then our relationships with our kids, and then our relationships with the church, then our relationships with everyone else. But knowing that we must place our husbands first is different than placing our "role" as wife first.

A "role" is a part we play. A job we perform. A relationship flexes and grows over time. Roles are a way for us to compartmentalize the things that we do. It's like pegging someone as "lazy" when they sleep all the time. Usually there's something else going on: depression, eating poorly, hormone imbalance, pregnancy, etc.

We hate being labeled as one thing or another. It limits us to those things only. Fulfilling "wifely duties" is one thing I do, but running a business to contribute to the family income is also part of that. If I didn't care for the kids, then I'd be a bad wife too. Sometimes being a good mom means that I need to go out with my friends even when my kids want me to stay home.

Labels separate us from who we are. We become a "role" instead of a whole person. Why would I want to partition myself off into a bit of this and a bit of that. Should the things that don't fit into categories be labeled as unimportant? I don't think so.

On page 27, the book lists a column of roles and another column of abilities. Readers are instructed to match roles with abilities. I think the point is that all of the abilities are needed for motherhood, making motherhood a difficult role. We're supposed to be able to find contentment in the most "important roles" only.

Well, you know what, I'm not content. I'll probably never be content. I always want something more out of my life. I want to be closer to the Lord. I want to have fun with my kids. I want them to grow up to be strong, wise, and Godly. I want to be close to my husband. I want to travel the world. I want to get out of debt.

And, I'm also content. I find peace when I rest in the Lord. I don't find contentment in my "roles", because there's always something I'd like to improve. I only find peace and contentment in Him.

Aprons and Tears

I made the mistake of telling my mom that the curse of women in the Garden of Eden "In pain you shall bring forth children." (Gen 3:16a) means not only that women will have pain during the birth of a child, but that we'll continue to suffer emotional pain for them until they're grown and out of the house.

"We suffer for our kids even when they're grown!" she admonished. I felt silly, but as a mom whose oldest is only 7, how could I know any better?

I told this story to my friend Diane, who told me a saying that her mom (who died this past year) told her, "When kids are young, we wipe their tears with our aprons, and when they are old we wipe OUR tears with our aprons."

The curses God placed on men relate to work and providing for their families. The curses God placed on women are painful relationships. And, in reality, God didn't curse us. We cursed ourselves through our sin. The curses are the result of the sin and broken relationships in our lives. They're not the punishment of a vengeful God.

Genesis 3:16b says, "Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you." I've heard and read Christians say that this was God's will for women. If it was God's will, why is it part of the curse? God's will is for women and men to help each other. He didn't create women to be beasts of burden squashed under men's thumbs. That's a result of broken relationships and broken people.