Working Through Conflict - Practical

Anonymous said, "These past decisions now leaves me feeling like I need to have control over everything before we land in the hot seat again even though he is trying to do better. I just don't trust anymore that he can have the control! Oh and the friction and wheel gets going. Help! He is having a hard time releasing some control without feeling like he is stupid or some such nonsense. I am having a hard time trusting in him even though he is trying to release some of his controlling nature and be a Biblical husband/father. Ack!"

I feel for you sister. It's a struggle being married in this world. We make mistakes and our spouses make mistakes, and how can we trust each other not to make mistakes again?

My husband and I went to counseling early in our marriage. Unless you grew up in a perfect home (and who did?), we can all use a little help working through our family's communication problems.

I think you know that your fear is hurting your relationship with your husband. You're afraid that he's going to make a mistake that hurts your family. I’m sure he will, but we all do.

God puts spouses together to help each other.

When you do things without your husband, it increases his sense of loss of control, which makes him hide more from you. He feels like he can’t trust you to support him. I know from experience.

I made some big mistakes with money during the first two years of my marriage with a home business and a credit card. I hid the problem for a year before Bill found out, and when he did he went crazy. It took him a long time to trust me with money. I can't blame him, but unless he wanted to do the bills himself, he had to trust me. He kept an eye on my work and all the credit card statements for a year or so, but we worked together to solve the problem. It hurts so much when Bill brings that stuff up 10 years later. I think we've worked past it, and then he brings it up, making me wonder if he'll ever forgive me.

It sounds like your husband wants to be a responsible, Godly man. Yet, when you hide things from him, it diminishes him as a man and a leader. He's fighting you for his self-esteem.

I'm thinking of two of my friends as I write this. One has been married over 50 years and other has been married over 30 years. Both are dominant women, intelligent women, educated women, and spiritual women. Their husbands are passive, less intelligent, and less outwardly spiritual. I know both men well, and I think that they are spiritual in a quiet, committed, deep way. These women have struggled to give their husbands control. The older of the two women once told me that she often has to hold her tongue to let her husband make the decisions. She could run the family if she wanted to, but realized that she had to force her husband to step up and make decisions. She might even run the family better, but she's realized over the years that doing so doesn't make her happy.

My other friend often feels the desire to tell her husband what to do, because she's smarter than he is and can make more intelligent decisions. She too finds that she has to be careful not to step ahead of her husband.

Your husband needs your input, and you need his authority. We married couples are one-flesh. All the parts are needed to work TOGETHER for the family to function properly. Your husband needs to know that its okay for him to listen to your opinions, logic, and reasoning behind why you think a certain decision should be made. Without those insights, he's made some foolish decisions. He also needs to know that its okay for him to make whatever decision he feels is best after the two of you talk about a decision. I know that you can help him with this! You can help him regain his self-esteem.

Terri's practical advice on how to encourage a man's self-esteem, based on in-depth talks about conflict resolution with professional counselors: Next time you have the opportunity to talk together about a decision (preferably a not too threatening topic - I bet you can come up with a topic for tonight!):
• ask him what his opinion is on the decision that needs to be made
• start offering your opinion by starting with "I feel..."
• ask him what he thinks about that
• when he counters with his opinion, if you don't like it offer, ask about it "Do you think that might cause...?"
• once you've gently laid your opinion on the table, wait for him to make a decision
• once he makes a decision, tell him, "That's a great decision! I'm with you all the way."
• support that decision, even if it goes wrong. He needs to know you're on his side.

If your husband's like mine and tends to be a bit heavy handed with decisions , it can still be caused by lack of self-esteem (or it could be because I am pushing him). Try the same steps as those listed above (offering your opinions, but supporting his decision) and see if your relationship improves. The more my husband feels loved and supported in his decisions, the more he responds lovingly toward me in other ways.

You might need to go together to a professional counselor who will mediate and help you both learn good communication skills. Anonymous, I think you and your husband both want the same thing – a Godly marriage. The hurts and miscommunications are hurting both of you. If you can’t talk it out together, then do go together to someone who will help you work through the past so you can be strong together in the future. My husband and I wouldn’t be nearly as close as we are without learning communication skills from a counselor. I also learned a lot about my husband’s childhood emotional pain that was causing problems in our relationship.

Part of being one-flesh is working together to solve problems. I heard someone say once that marriages don't work when they're divided 50/50. Marriages only work if they're 100/100. Even if the problem is your husband’s fault, if you can take steps to correct the problem and start healing the void, you need to do it. Marriage requires a sacrifice of our pride. I've told Bill before that I think he always expects me to apologize first... then he says, "what about when I... and .... and ... and..." I think you get the picture. We always think that we're the martyrs and forget that they probably feel the same way after putting up with us day after day!