Woman Unleashed

Found Peace in the Trial

2006-06-27T19:01:00.000-04:00

I found peace about the trial within the church after about 4 days. The rest of the church members found out 2 days later, so I realized that the Lord had prepared me to share His peace with them while they grieved for the pain in the church.

Bill's knee got infected for no reason. Within 6 hours he went from, "I think my bursitis may be coming back," to shivering so badly in his sleep that he woke me up. The same day, one of our priests hit a deer that jumped out in front of his car, and another priest's family was in total commotion and started getting sudden sore throats. I found all that rather suspicious (if you know what I mean), but thankfully, I was free to pray.

I don't know why the Lord is allowing these things to happen, but at least in my small corner of the world, things aren't going to change too much.

I prayed the first day I felt really distraught about the bishop leaving, and the Lord said, "Don't worry. It'll all work out in the end." Honestly, I felt more frustrated by the vagueness than comforted - at least that first day, but now I'm resting in the fact that God's in control, no matter what.

Seeking the Lord

2006-06-26T11:20:00.000-04:00

I received an anonymous question the other week in which I was asked why I felt it necessary to seek the Lord.

Well, there are a few Bible verses that talk about it.

Matthew 6:33 - "But seek ye first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well."

1 Corinthians 9:24 - "Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize.

Luke 10:38-41 - Martha complains that Mary is learning from Jesus instead of working to prepare food for the many people who are visiting. Christ responds... "'Martha, Martha,' the Lord answered, 'you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.'"

All these things support my belief that although salvation is enough to get us into heaven, if we love the Lord, we'll want to learn more and more about him. Once we are saved, we become the "Bride of Christ". While we're on earth, it's like we're engaged. When a person is engaged, he/she tries to learn as much as possible about that future spouse - out of love. There's such tremendous love and devotion, that we want to spend as much time as possible with that person. My husband and I lived about 2 hours apart during much of our engagement, and we talked on the phone every night for 2 or more hours getting to know each other. We got together whenever we could to enjoy eachother's company. You could say we sought eachother.

It's the same with Christ. If we love Him, we'll seek after Him more and more. The closer we get to Him and the more we know Him, the more we love Him and yearn after Him even more.

Teresa of Avila said, "let us strive to make constant progress: we ought to feel great alarm if we do not find ourselves advancing, for without doubt the evil one must be planning to injure us in some way; it is impossible for a soul that has come to this state not to go still farther, for love is never idle."

New News is Bad News

2006-06-14T23:15:00.000-04:00

My husband and I received some interesting news this week. We thought we knew where we were going in the world with my husband in seminary, and now it looks like those plans will be put on hold indefinitely.

What do we do? It's due to events completely out of our control. I prayed and asked the Lord, because people I care about are being hurt. I want to do something, physically do something. He told me to wait, that it's not over yet, and that it will all work out.

It's so hard to feel no anxiety despite God's assurances. I trust Him. I do. Yet my heart cries out in impatience and compassion for my hurting friends. What will happen to them? (Answer: God will take care of them.)

It's so hard to wait for God's perfect timing. I'm not supposed to know what's happening, so I can't process this with other friends who will soon discover that they are affected too. The situation will be explained to them differently than it was to us, because the source we heard from and the source they will be hearing from are taking different positions. I suppose that means we're getting both sides? There are probably more sides than that for this one.

My husband and I agreed not to take a stand one way or the other yet. We know what our hearts are telling us, but we also know that God has told us to wait (we're not positive - yet - what God's will is for us). So, we're standing in silence, loving all involved, and hurting at the pain they're causing each other.

I wish I could be more specific. My priest told my husband a couple of weeks ago that he didn't think we'd be staying here much longer (in this part of the state).

A lot of changes might be coming. I pray that they're changes that "bring hope and a future".

Pride and Insults

2006-06-13T10:15:00.000-04:00

I'm still reading "The Interior Castle" by St. Teresa of Avila. I seem to be able to read only a page or so before I encounter a thought so deep and convicting that I have to stop, pause, and pray.

Today, she had this to say:
"...we should be most vigilant in little things, taking no notice of the great works we plan during prayer which we imagine that we would perform for other people, even perhaps for the sake of saving a single soul...The devil's wiles are many; he would turn hell upside down a thousand times to make us think ourselves better than we are..."

She explains that thinking we are supposed to do these great works makes us feel prideful about our greatness, where something given by God never causes pride.

She went on:
"It is amusing to see souls who, while they are at prayer, fancy they are willing to be despised and publicly insulted for the love of God, yet afterwards do all they can to hide their small defects; if any one unjustly accuses them of a fault, God deliver us from their outcries! ... O sisters! how easy it is to know which of you have attained a sincere love of your neighbor, and which of you are far from it."

How often have I created vast plans of how I was going to serve the Lord? Learning that the plans all started with "I" was a painful experience. Now, I'm walking in a plan from God. It's not glamorous. I homeschool 4 kids, write, and work as the office manager of my husband's painting company. The lack of glamour doesn't make my work any less important or more important than if I was Beth Moore, leading thousands of women through the scriptures. We're both doing exactly what God's called us to.

As long as I keep saying, "yes" to God's will and don't worry about the rest (like people accusing me of things that are or aren't true), everything will be where it needs to be in the end. I don't need to appear on television to be important. I just need to do the little things God asks me to and not worry about the rest.

Stinkin' Thinkin'

2006-06-10T14:55:00.000-04:00

I met with a friend this week to discuss a book project he wants to work on. Fr. Ray Strawser is an incredible man with an amazing life story. He's given communion to the Queen of England and washed his mud covered car in water from the Vatican's fountain (the water was blowing over the fence, so he pulled a rag out of the car and wiped off the mud from the Alps.) He served as a chaplain with soldiers on the front line in the Vietnam War and has counseled people for years who've been abused and addicted.

The doctors have told him that his bone cancer is terminal. He doesn't know how much longer he has left, but I'm sure the Lord has given him enough.

We're going to work together to put together at least one book that's written for all of us who have what he calls "Stinkin' Thinkin'". Stinkin' Thinkin' is thinking that puts you down and makes you keep making the same bad choices. It puts his 13 counseling steps into play in people's lives. Fr. Ray is also a poet, so the way he explains things with analogies makes them easier to understand and beautiful to read.

This will be an amazing book holding a lifetime of Godly wisdom! (I just pray that the Lord keeps me from messing anything up.)

Utopian Society

2006-04-29T07:55:00.000-04:00

I watched AeonFlux yesterday. I'm a sucker for science fiction movies and books with strong female leads: Matrix, Serenity, Star Doc (book)...

Aeon Flux's world is a utopian society which, in the movie, seems cold and controlled. It seems that most of the utopian societies in books and movies exist in a calm, cool world where clothes fit perfectly, hair works perfectly (and is gelled into place), and relationships never have serious problems.

Where's the love? Where's the emotion?

I think we live in utopia now. What makes our world not utopic is us, our emotions, and our treatment of each other. If we lose the ability to choose to love, our lives become cold and sterile, even if there's no more outward anger.

In an effort to perfect our lives and ourselves, often as a defense against pain, we create a "utopia" in our hearts where no one can hurt us, because we're no longer vulnerable. We appear outwardly calm and happy, but there's no joy or happiness inside. It's a living hell.

Hat Update

2006-04-29T07:50:00.000-04:00

The hat thing's not working for me. I do a lot of "little" prayers throughout the prayer - some people call them ejaculatory prayers. I like to spontaneously talk to the Lord about things as the day goes along. I've found myself holding off on my prayers because I'm not wearing the head covering.

I talked to my husband, and he said, "I'm glad you're honest." I'll keep wearing it at church as a sign of obedience (I've never been good at obedience because I'm so obstinate), so this is growth for me.

A lot of the women aren't wearing head coverings at church, but they are at home, which I find interesting.

Anyway, the head covering's turning into a bunch of hoopla over nothing. It'll be done and gone and out of my life in a few weeks. The only benefit to me is that I'll have done something stupid, without complaining (too much), just because someone who's a spiritual authority asked me to. That there's a sign of growth.

Win a Christian Romantic Suspense Novel

2006-04-07T10:08:00.000-04:00

"In the Enemy's Sites" - Marta Perry

This book is from the April 2006 Love Inspired Suspense series. From the back cover: "US Air Force captain Kenneth Vance is back in Colorado Springs on medical leave, and currently working for his old friend Quinn Montgomer's vandalism-plagued construction company. Sources say both families are being targeted for their roles in taking down that South American drug cartel a year ago." Ken is working with Julianna Red Feather, who had a crush on him in high school, but was laughed at by Ken's friends. She never got over that crush, but no longer wants to like him because of the painful rejection. Ken was injured in a plane crash and hope to leave Colorado Springs and return to the skies. He doesn't have time for a relationship.

A fun read! Leave a comment here, and it could be yours!

Undercover

2006-04-07T09:56:00.000-04:00

My priest's sermon on Sunday was a bit of a shocker. He spoke on the verse in I Corinthians 11:2-16, which talks about "For this reason the woman ought to have a symbol of authority on her head, because of the angels."

No one else in my communion (the Charismatic Episcopal Church) is doing this, but he asked us women to consider wearing head coverings of some sort from now until Pentecost. That's about the next two months. I have a thing against being a "doily head", because the legalistic church I grew up in in the late 70's early 80's required women to pin doily-like things to their heads. I tend to equate doily heads with legalism.

But, since there's no specific covering mentioned (doily, veil, etc...) and I can choose want I want to wear, since it was a request and not a mandate, and since it was for a specific time period, I think I'll do it.

A few of my friends at church have been doing it while praying in private and say it's blessed their time with the Lord. I'm willing to give it a shot. I'd hate to not do something that would bring me closer to the Lord just because of one bad church and cultural feminist tendencies. (Head coverings for women in church started going out with the influx of the feminist movement in the 50's and 60's, although a few denominations still encourage it.)

I'm thinking of it as an experience in humility. I prayed about it and asked myself what St. Teresa de Avila would do. (I'm currently reading her book "The Interior Castle".) She would do whatever her priest asked, as long as it wasn't against God.

I've been wearing a scarf during my prayer times this week, and I don't think the scarf itself has improved my relationship with the Lord. I think that my willingness to submit to my spiritual authority has increased my humility, and the humility has improved my openness to hearing the voice of Christ during my prayer times. So far I haven't observed any benefit to the scarf other than the secondary humility.

I'll give you my final decision on Pentecost.

Chasing After Christ

2006-03-31T14:38:00.000-05:00

A Christian woman I greatly respect, who's walked with the Lord for decades longer than I have, is going through a funk. I think we all go through those downtimes in our walk with the Lord, when we feel like we're forcing our feet through desperately sticky mud in our walk down the straight and narrow.

She said to me, "I'm tired of constantly trying to be where the Lord is working. It's been so long since I really felt the excitement of Him working where I am."

That made me wonder... Does she realize that the Lord is always working right next to us? If I asked her, I'm sure she'd say yes, yet I think she's missing the passionate heart of the Lord.

I feel Him right here next to me so often. I can just let go of my worries and fall into His arms. He's working right here in me and through me. I know He's working wonders in other places too. I have friends who worship at churches where He's dramatically moving hearts and changing lives, but I don't feel a need to physically be in those places.

Perhaps it's just me, but the most important chase is the one in my heart. I've felt such excitement for the Lord every day lately that I feel His presence constantly. I chase the kids, wash the laundry, homeschool, write, and yet He's next to me the whole time. I often don't get a decent prayer time, but I can talk to Him at any moment.

He wants ME! Wow! He's chasing after my heart, the one I gave to Him at my baptism, and He loves me passionately. I don't chase after Him at another church, because I'm where I'm supposed to be. But, I don't have to chase, because He's already searched me out, won my soul, and lives with me.

Every day isn't like this, but on those off days, I know that it isn't His fault. He's still here. It's me.

I know a lot of people who chase after the Lord by moving to another place, but the people I want to imitate are the ones who seek the Lord with their hearts and bring the Lord to people around them.

Working Through Conflict - Practical

2006-03-25T11:44:00.000-05:00

Anonymous said, "These past decisions now leaves me feeling like I need to have control over everything before we land in the hot seat again even though he is trying to do better. I just don't trust anymore that he can have the control! Oh and the friction and wheel gets going. Help! He is having a hard time releasing some control without feeling like he is stupid or some such nonsense. I am having a hard time trusting in him even though he is trying to release some of his controlling nature and be a Biblical husband/father. Ack!"

I feel for you sister. It's a struggle being married in this world. We make mistakes and our spouses make mistakes, and how can we trust each other not to make mistakes again?

My husband and I went to counseling early in our marriage. Unless you grew up in a perfect home (and who did?), we can all use a little help working through our family's communication problems.

I think you know that your fear is hurting your relationship with your husband. You're afraid that he's going to make a mistake that hurts your family. I’m sure he will, but we all do.

God puts spouses together to help each other.

When you do things without your husband, it increases his sense of loss of control, which makes him hide more from you. He feels like he can’t trust you to support him. I know from experience.

I made some big mistakes with money during the first two years of my marriage with a home business and a credit card. I hid the problem for a year before Bill found out, and when he did he went crazy. It took him a long time to trust me with money. I can't blame him, but unless he wanted to do the bills himself, he had to trust me. He kept an eye on my work and all the credit card statements for a year or so, but we worked together to solve the problem. It hurts so much when Bill brings that stuff up 10 years later. I think we've worked past it, and then he brings it up, making me wonder if he'll ever forgive me.

It sounds like your husband wants to be a responsible, Godly man. Yet, when you hide things from him, it diminishes him as a man and a leader. He's fighting you for his self-esteem.

I'm thinking of two of my friends as I write this. One has been married over 50 years and other has been married over 30 years. Both are dominant women, intelligent women, educated women, and spiritual women. Their husbands are passive, less intelligent, and less outwardly spiritual. I know both men well, and I think that they are spiritual in a quiet, committed, deep way. These women have struggled to give their husbands control. The older of the two women once told me that she often has to hold her tongue to let her husband make the decisions. She could run the family if she wanted to, but realized that she had to force her husband to step up and make decisions. She might even run the family better, but she's realized over the years that doing so doesn't make her happy.

My other friend often feels the desire to tell her husband what to do, because she's smarter than he is and can make more intelligent decisions. She too finds that she has to be careful not to step ahead of her husband.

Your husband needs your input, and you need his authority. We married couples are one-flesh. All the parts are needed to work TOGETHER for the family to function properly. Your husband needs to know that its okay for him to listen to your opinions, logic, and reasoning behind why you think a certain decision should be made. Without those insights, he's made some foolish decisions. He also needs to know that its okay for him to make whatever decision he feels is best after the two of you talk about a decision. I know that you can help him with this! You can help him regain his self-esteem.

Terri's practical advice on how to encourage a man's self-esteem, based on in-depth talks about conflict resolution with professional counselors: Next time you have the opportunity to talk together about a decision (preferably a not too threatening topic - I bet you can come up with a topic for tonight!):
• ask him what his opinion is on the decision that needs to be made
• start offering your opinion by starting with "I feel..."
• ask him what he thinks about that
• when he counters with his opinion, if you don't like it offer, ask about it "Do you think that might cause...?"
• once you've gently laid your opinion on the table, wait for him to make a decision
• once he makes a decision, tell him, "That's a great decision! I'm with you all the way."
• support that decision, even if it goes wrong. He needs to know you're on his side.

If your husband's like mine and tends to be a bit heavy handed with decisions , it can still be caused by lack of self-esteem (or it could be because I am pushing him). Try the same steps as those listed above (offering your opinions, but supporting his decision) and see if your relationship improves. The more my husband feels loved and supported in his decisions, the more he responds lovingly toward me in other ways.

You might need to go together to a professional counselor who will mediate and help you both learn good communication skills. Anonymous, I think you and your husband both want the same thing – a Godly marriage. The hurts and miscommunications are hurting both of you. If you can’t talk it out together, then do go together to someone who will help you work through the past so you can be strong together in the future. My husband and I wouldn’t be nearly as close as we are without learning communication skills from a counselor. I also learned a lot about my husband’s childhood emotional pain that was causing problems in our relationship.

Part of being one-flesh is working together to solve problems. I heard someone say once that marriages don't work when they're divided 50/50. Marriages only work if they're 100/100. Even if the problem is your husband’s fault, if you can take steps to correct the problem and start healing the void, you need to do it. Marriage requires a sacrifice of our pride. I've told Bill before that I think he always expects me to apologize first... then he says, "what about when I... and .... and ... and..." I think you get the picture. We always think that we're the martyrs and forget that they probably feel the same way after putting up with us day after day!

WIN! Becoming the Woman I Want to Be

2006-03-25T11:17:00.000-05:00

Becoming the Woman You Want to Be - A 90-Day Journey to Renewing Spirit, Soul, & Body - Donna Partow

As soon as I looked at this book, I knew I wanted to keep it. I need it. It's a daily devotional that takes you step by step through steps that feed your body, soul, and spirit. Each day gives you scriptures to memorize, a passage to read, guided prayer, prayer from your heart, an affirmation to recite, an action to take, an attitude adjustment, a dietary change, and an exercise.

The best part, is that Partow takes you with baby steps through 90 days that will change your life. If it takes 30 days to develop a habit, Partow makes sure that these positive steps become a forever part of your life.

Some of the steps Partow suggests: eat a salad today, bounce five minutes, take a multivitamin, fast today, drink hot lemon water, take a look at people's faces and give a word of encouragement to those who look discouraged. You may think you can do this on your own, but with Partow's words of wisdom, applicable scripture memorization, and attitude adjustment suggestions, you'll come away from these 90 days renewed.

She quotes Charlotte Mason during week 4 of the program. "It is not too much to say that 'habit is ten natures.' We have lost sight of the fact that habit is to life what [railroad tracks] are to [trains]. It follows that lines of habit must be laid down toward given ends and after careful survey, or the joltings and delays of life become insupportable. More, habit is inevitable. If we fail to ease life by laying down habits of right thinking and right acting, habits of wrong thinking and wrong acting fix themselves of their own accord."

Leave a comment after this post for your chance to win this wonderful book!

Win "The Control Trap" - our book of the week

2006-03-10T09:52:00.000-05:00

I talk alot on this blog about women and control. We've all struggled with overcoming our fears with control instead of with God. Barbara Sullivan talks about all of this, her own struggles with control, and practical Biblical tips to escape the need to manage people and circumstances. This isn't just for the "control freak", it's for every one of us.

"When the woman stops trying to control, she also helps to break the power of the curse hindering her husband's ability to provide that God issued at the Fall...Jesus redeemed us from the curse of the law, and legally it is broken, but we will not experientially see the effects until we women restore the proper authority structure in our homes. Adam listened to the voice of his wife and was cursed. Now it's time for wives to listen to their husbands and be blessed." (The Control Trap, p. 149) Powerful stuff! Sullivan supports the Biblical authority structure without supporting domination of women.

The book is well organized into sections entitled "Discovering Control", "Becoming 'the Director'", "Why Do We Control?", "Family Ties that Bind", and "Spiritual Roots and Release". Sullivan writes well and fills her chapters with true anecdotes that keep the book entertaining and informative without being preachy.

Place a comment with this post for your chance to win. Make sure I have a way of contacting you, either through your website or an e-mail address.

It Wasn't Meant to Be Like This

2006-03-09T16:39:00.000-05:00

My great-uncle Donny died a little over a week ago at church. He died suddenly of a massive heart attack with his wife and pastor present. There's no better way to go to be with the Lord.

The family put a memorial to him up on www.mem.com and posted pictures of him that included Uncle Donny and his wife at my brother's wedding and pictures of Uncle Donny as a young man dressed in his army uniform, carrying a gun, ready to go off to the Korean war.

I'd never seen the pictures of him as a young man. I only knew him as an old man. Boy, was he handsome! It broke my heart to

compare him in the spring of youth with my memory of him as an older, but wiser man. It took me a minute to realize why I felt sad to see him young.

It wasn't meant to be like this. We weren't meant to grow old. We were meant to live young and eternally.

Uncle Donny is in heaven, young again, and living eternally.
We'll meet again, Uncle Donny.

Focus on the Family on Proverbs 31

2006-03-08T20:08:00.000-05:00

This time, I love what Focus on the Family published. This article discusses the importance of the good husband who supports the Proverbs 31 woman. "First, the Good Husband recognizes the true value of his wife as a person (31:10). He sees her as God's priceless, one-of-a-kind masterpiece. He knows she's "worth far more than rubies."

Read the whole article. It's good!

http://www.family.org/fofmag/marriage/a0019541.cfm

Proverbs 31 & My Funeral

2006-03-08T13:18:00.000-05:00

I read a blog a few days ago where 2 men were arguing about the Proverbs 31 woman. Their argument centered around whether or not the woman was being praised or her husband was being praised. If the husband gets praised at the gates because of his wife, where's her due for all her hard work?

Hello! They're one-flesh. They both work, they work together, and they both get praised.

Most of us strive to be the woman in Proverbs 31:10-31. She's the one who reminds us of the Little Red Hen who plants the wheat, harvests the wheat, takes it to the mill, and bakes the bread. She loves her husband, makes clothes with her hands, she searches far for food, she gets up before the sun to start breakfast, she buys a field and plants a vineyard (entrepreneur), she's strong, she's discerning and prepared, she cares for the poor, and prepares for every possible ill that could happen to her family. She speaks wisely and kindly. She's never idle. Her kids make her happy and her husband tells her how wonderful she is.

Are you a Proverbs 31 woman? Personally, I think it's an unreachable goal. Too many of us (me included) have tried and tried to do everything she does, including get up before the sun. Personally, I just tried and tried to 'get up shortly AFTER the sun'. So far, I've only made it to 'get up when the baby wakes up' (because he yells for me).

I could look at myself as a failure, or I can look at myself as a woman who's imperfect and doing her best to learn to become the best she can be.

I'm convinced that any woman who thinks she can do everything the Proverbs 31 woman can is a miserable, grumpy woman. It's too much to do.

Perhaps as I learn to be the best I can be, I'll be amazed at what my life looks like when I look back.

A friend's father died last week. He was 70 years old, the owner of a large landscaping company who refused to retire, and a reverend who preached in a nursing home every weekend. His funeral service lasted for hours, because so many people wanted to remember the wonderful things he'd done for them.

I hope that someday people will be at my funeral remembering the wonderful things I did for them and wondering how God enabled me to do what I did. Or, as my husband's seminary professor said, "If I'm not a saint when I die, I have no one to blame but myself." (Saint's meaning those Christians who have an astounding closeness to God that empowers them to perform remarkable feats during their lives.)

But, hey. I've heard it said that if we shoot for the stars we'll at least reach the moon. I may never be a saint, but maybe I'll get halfway there.

More On Roles

2006-03-04T14:11:00.000-05:00

After reading my last post, a friend sent me this: "I think us gals have so much on our plate that it becomes frustrating. My peace... it comes from just one source...God...and he constantly reminds me that I'm not wonder woman and that it's okay to slow down, smell the flowers and the java, and just enjoy being." (Roz)

Amen!

I do want to make it clear that I'm not against Focus on the Family. My mom bought a copy of the Strong Willed Child by Dobson when I was tiny, and, God bless her, she needed it for all 3 of us. I now have her well worn copy on my shelves for my kids.

I'm also not against prioritizing and knowing what's most important.

Lately the "roles" thing has bothered me. I don't mind calling myself a wife or knowing that my husband takes priority over the kids. I've even done the labeling thing in my mind, in a helpful way, to remind myself to get off these e-mails, because those kids need food!

My problem is that when we (men and women) label ourselves with roles, the roles become like old, tired ruts. We have trouble moving out of them to new ground. If we allow ourselves to live in a "role", we may be blocking out additional gifts and talents that the Lord may want us to use.

When we live in a role, we forget to look beyond ourselves and our typical actions to a new thing the Lord may ask of us for a specific moment or as a new adventure. For example, if a woman is called to step up to the microphone to be the next Beth Moore, it wouldn't fit in her old roles. She has to listen to the Lord and be ready and prepared to take a new step.

Roles also keep us from seeing our true worth. We tend to place our value in excelling at doing something (at least I do - I have a type A personality) instead of placing our value in the fact that the Lord loves us. That's what gives unborn children and people with severe mental retardation the same value as a productive member of society. They too are human, and that alone gives them worth. They don't need to be achieving someTHING to be as important to God as me.

Win a Book Here!

2006-03-03T10:36:00.000-05:00

This is a little off topic, but since every girl needs a healthy vice, like reading fluffy Christian romance, I'm offering a free, brand new copy of "Stealing Adda" by Tamara Leigh to whomever I draw out of a hat! Leave a comment about this website by clicking on "comment" at the end of this entry. Be sure to include you name and e-mail address. Next Friday, March 10th, I'll put all the names in a hat, draw one out, and mail the book off to the winner. (I'll contact you for your mailing address then.)

Stealing Adda, releasing this month, is a Christian chick-lit novel by the award-winning writer of 7 traditional romance novels. It's her first foray into the CBA market.

Tamara, how many books have you published to date?

My first book, WARRIOR BRIDE, was published by Bantam in 1994 and was followed by six more medieval romances--four with Bantam, two with HarperCollins, and one with Dorchester. STEALING ADDA makes number eight!

How much of the book is based on your experience in the publishing world?

Naturally, many of my own experiences in the publishing world of romance served as the foundation upon which STEALING ADDA was written. Unfortunately, my experiences are nowhere near as exciting, entertaining, or devastating as Adda's. Or perhaps fortunately, hmm?

Are you concerned that publishers and editors will take offense to the insider's look you provide of that world?

Sometimes the truth hurts. The good news is that publishers and editors aren't the ones who'll be buying STEALING ADDA. As the majority of publishers and editors are New Yorkers, they're hardly thin-skinned. In fact, some might think I painted a pretty rosy picture of their world.

What turned you from writing historicals to writing contemporaries?

That would be my therapist. Just kidding. Actually, I went on strike--as in burned out, disillusioned, and fed up. But that's another story Adda could tell far better than I.

Which is harder, historicals or contemporaries?

Historicals. Definitely. Though the medieval time period remains my first love and I hope to write more for the inspirational market, I've never had as much fun writing a book as I did when I tackled STEALING ADDA.

Thanks, Tamara, for the short chat and the chance to let one of my readers read your book for free.

Rating Your Importance?

2006-03-02T10:01:00.000-05:00

I bought a devotional book from Focus on the Family called "Divinely Designed" as a resource for the book on womanhood that I'm writing. On page 12, I read, "What are your present roles as a woman (e.g., wife, employee, daughter, student, mother)? Rate each role in order of personal importance..." Boy did that burn me up!

I'm offended that a large Christian organization that's supposedly pro-family would include something like that in a devotional. Rank your roles?

Let me explain. Supposing I ranked my roles:
1. daughter of God
2. wife
3. mother
4. church member
5. business owner

What does that say to me? It says that if I'm not always happy with #1, then there's something wrong with me. What if I'm not enjoying my role as mother today? Then there's something wrong with me.

There is importance in knowing that our relationship with God take priority, then our relationship with our husband, then our relationships with our kids, and then our relationships with the church, then our relationships with everyone else. But knowing that we must place our husbands first is different than placing our "role" as wife first.

A "role" is a part we play. A job we perform. A relationship flexes and grows over time. Roles are a way for us to compartmentalize the things that we do. It's like pegging someone as "lazy" when they sleep all the time. Usually there's something else going on: depression, eating poorly, hormone imbalance, pregnancy, etc.

We hate being labeled as one thing or another. It limits us to those things only. Fulfilling "wifely duties" is one thing I do, but running a business to contribute to the family income is also part of that. If I didn't care for the kids, then I'd be a bad wife too. Sometimes being a good mom means that I need to go out with my friends even when my kids want me to stay home.

Labels separate us from who we are. We become a "role" instead of a whole person. Why would I want to partition myself off into a bit of this and a bit of that. Should the things that don't fit into categories be labeled as unimportant? I don't think so.

On page 27, the book lists a column of roles and another column of abilities. Readers are instructed to match roles with abilities. I think the point is that all of the abilities are needed for motherhood, making motherhood a difficult role. We're supposed to be able to find contentment in the most "important roles" only.

Well, you know what, I'm not content. I'll probably never be content. I always want something more out of my life. I want to be closer to the Lord. I want to have fun with my kids. I want them to grow up to be strong, wise, and Godly. I want to be close to my husband. I want to travel the world. I want to get out of debt.

And, I'm also content. I find peace when I rest in the Lord. I don't find contentment in my "roles", because there's always something I'd like to improve. I only find peace and contentment in Him.

Aprons and Tears

2006-03-01T11:24:00.000-05:00

I made the mistake of telling my mom that the curse of women in the Garden of Eden "In pain you shall bring forth children." (Gen 3:16a) means not only that women will have pain during the birth of a child, but that we'll continue to suffer emotional pain for them until they're grown and out of the house.

"We suffer for our kids even when they're grown!" she admonished. I felt silly, but as a mom whose oldest is only 7, how could I know any better?

I told this story to my friend Diane, who told me a saying that her mom (who died this past year) told her, "When kids are young, we wipe their tears with our aprons, and when they are old we wipe OUR tears with our aprons."

The curses God placed on men relate to work and providing for their families. The curses God placed on women are painful relationships. And, in reality, God didn't curse us. We cursed ourselves through our sin. The curses are the result of the sin and broken relationships in our lives. They're not the punishment of a vengeful God.

Genesis 3:16b says, "Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you." I've heard and read Christians say that this was God's will for women. If it was God's will, why is it part of the curse? God's will is for women and men to help each other. He didn't create women to be beasts of burden squashed under men's thumbs. That's a result of broken relationships and broken people.

Progressive Means Going Back

2006-02-14T09:14:00.000-05:00

When we discover that our plans and ideas won't work, what do we do to find out where we went wrong? We backtrack. We go back to the beginning. C.S. Lewis stated in Mere Christianity, "We all want progress, but if you're on the wrong road, progress is doing an about-turn and walking back to the right road; in that case, the man who turns back soonest is the most progressive." Doesn't that fly in the face of what we usually think progressive means?

"Progressive" reminds me too of C.S. Lewis' vision of heaven in his book The Last Battle. This book is the last book of the Narnia series. In it, the end of Narnia comes and all of the kids who've been its kings and queens throughout the series end of in Narnia-heaven. They watch the complete destruction of Narnia, from stars to earth to utter blackness. They watch Aslan create the new Narnia - one that's somehow more real than the old, even though it has the same hills, trees, and waterfalls. Aslan calls to them, "Come further in! Come further up!" When they get to the center, a garden high up in the mountains, they find that there's a new and bigger Narnia inside the garden, as if Narnia were starting all over again.

Perhaps we think of progressive as moving on to something NEW and better, but when we say progressive, what we really want is something more pure, more holy, better, more fullfilling, and more meaningful than what currently exists.

Sometimes being progressive means moving back to the past. Understanding what women, men and marriage are supposed to be means going back to the past before the first big mistake. When we go back and look at the first marriage, what do we see that God wants for all of us?

Other times, progressive means moving farther into the truth, because instead of being more confining, when we get to the heart of a truth, it opens the world up in a way that makes it larger than before. For example, when we women learn to stop controlling our lives, our spouses, and our kids through our fear-filled attempts to protect ourselves from hurt, we give the control to God. Instead of ending up with less, we end up with more. When God holds the reigns, we discover that we've been limiting ourselves. God created each of us to be so much more than we're living in. It's like driving a car that goes 250 miles an hour around a race track at 30 miles per hour. We're not living in our full potential. I long to live the life of joy and strength that God offers me - if only I can stop grasping for control of my life.

Adoption Party

2006-02-10T23:25:00.000-05:00

I went to an adoption party with my kids today. Jennifer, friend I've known since I was 2 years old (she was three), went to China last year. She fell in love with a little girl who will be coming to the US soon as her daughter.

The church she goes to has supported interracial adoption since I was a kid. They just love kids! Two years ago they opened an orphanage in Africa for kids whose parents had died of AIDS. Most of the kids have AIDS too. Several of the couples who are nearing retirement age are planning on retiring to Africa to live at the orphanage and help raise these kids. Thanks to this child-loving church, these kids have a future. In the last link, you can see a picture of the Cooney family, the first family to begin adopting interracially at the church and paved the way for "rainbow families" to blossom in the congregation.

When I went to the adoption party, there were about 10 women there and 4 of them brought adopted daughters from China (others had adoped children from China and elsewhere who are older and were in school during the party). Of course, it's only Chinese girls (not boys), because of the preference of girl children over boys in that culture.

My husband and I plan to adopt children in a few years when ours are a little older. Not because we can't have children, but because we find that the more love we give away, the more love we have inside our own hearts.

May the Lord blossom the love in your heart today.

March for Life in DC 2006

2006-01-26T17:29:00.000-05:00

This past Sunday was the 33rd Anniversary of Roe v. Wade. On Monday, the March for Life took DC by storm! I marched it for the first time with my husband and tens of thousands of other pro-lifers from all over the US. You can see the Washington Monument in the background of this picture.

We handed out 3,000 postcards with a picture of our Choose Life magnet. Lots of kids took them thinking they were stickers! Next year, they WILL be stickers.

At least 50% of the marchers (probably more) were under the age of 22. I think this makes sense. Those of us most affected by Roe v. Wade are the survivors - those born after Roe v. Wade became the law. We all spent the first 9 months of our lives as "blobs of tissue" who had no rights. Millions of our generation are dead, buried in garbage dumps.

The march usually starts at the ellipse in front of the White House, but this year the rally was held on the Mall at 7th and Constitution Ave. We didn't read the papers ahead of time and so we ended up at the White House on 16th St instead of 7th. The March traveled from the rally down Constitution Avenue, past the Capitol building.

After the Capitol, Constitution climbs a short hill, the only hill in DC. At the top stands the intersection of 1st and Constitution. A few steps up 1st, and we stand at the steps of the Supreme Court building, which has the words "Equal Under the Law" etched into the stone on its front. I'd like to know who they think is equal and exactly when they become equal.

In front of the Supreme Court Building, several CEC priests performed a memorial service for the pre-born children murdered that day. A CEC priest performs this service every day of the year, because children are killed every day of the year. The priests present included Fr. Terry Gensemer of CEC for Life, Abp. Randolph Sly, and Bp. Philip Zampino. Fr. Frank Pavone was supposed to present the homily, like he did last year, but he was unable to attend. In his place, Callie Kyle, director of Laudate for Life (the CEC's youth for Life group) spoke on the importance of the youth in the Pro-Life movement.

Deacon Fornier of Priests for Life was on hand during the preparations for the memorial service.

After the memorial service, Silent No More members spoke about the sorrow, guilt, and pain of their abortions. As they began, about a dozen Pro-Choice protestors in pink hats tried to intrude on the stage. Silent No More requested 10 men to assist them, but didn't say why. They set the men up between the protestors and the stage as silent protection for the women. The protestors left a few short minutes later. I'm not sure which ran them off, the men or the painful words of the post-abortive women.

Jennifer O'Neill, an actress and spokesperson for Silent No More, spoke about her abortion.

Here's me in front of the Supreme Court building. It was a long, cold day, but well worth it! Check out pictures from the San Francisco March for Life. Their march was a lot more confrontational than ours. We had a few protestors, they had to have hundreds of policemen to protect them! Perhaps the cold weather here keeps the troublemakers away - or maybe it's just California.

Responding to God in Song

2006-01-21T15:05:00.000-05:00

God created humankind in His image. The marriage relationship reveals something about the relationship between God and us, where men represent an aspect of God and women represent an aspect of humans.

God is the initiator of our relationship with Him "We love, because He first loved us." Physically, men are (usually) the initiators of a physical relationship between the husband and wife.

People respond to God with love. The wife accepts and responds to her husband with love.

This led to an answer God gave me this week to a question I've asked for many years and never (until this week) had a satisfactory answer to: "Why do we sing to God? We praise Him, tell Him how glorious He is, and He enjoys it and asks us to sing. It makes Him sound egotistical to create us to praise Him. So, knowing that God isn't egotistical, because he's all love, why do we sing?"

The answer I heard is: Because God sang to us first, and He continues to sing to us. He tells us how much He loves us and how special we are to Him.

An obscure minor prophet at the end of the Old Testament, Zephaniah, wrote, "The Lord your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing."

The word singing is the Hebrew word rinnah, which means a ringing cry, in proclamation, joy, or praise.

So God is singing praises over us. I think He sings to our hearts continually. The problem is that we don't listen for it.

I'm going to open the ears of my heart and listen to His song. "My beloved spoke, and said to me: 'Rise up, my love, my fair one, And come away.'" (Song of Solomon 2:8)

Real Femininity for Real Women

2006-01-20T10:01:00.000-05:00

70% of mothers work according to a book I'm reading that's written by a feminist, Elizabeth Fox-Genovese. Does radical femininity state that all women need to stay home, cook, clean, and mind the children?

NO.

Radical femininity changes the heart. If changing your heart makes you realize that God wants you to do those things, then wonderful! If changing your heart improves your relationship with God, your husband, and your kids, but doesn't put it in your heart to quit working, wonderful!

Femininity is not about actions. It's about the heart. Your actions will change when your heart changes. The Bible says, "faith without works is dead". Works flow naturally from a righteous heart. When your heart seeks God's will, as a feminine heart does, then the things you are supposed to do to be feminine will become obvious to you.

Many women feel the need to work because money is tight. For our family, I don't work and God provides. Customers of my husband's business have given us furniture, clothes, and gift certificates to grocery stores. In other families, God doesn't ask that sacrifice. Another woman's sacrifice, like my friend Michelle, is to leave her newborn in daycare and go to work. Single women and single moms don't have a choice. They have to work.

The perfect housewife isn't necessarily feminine, although she has domestic skills. Femininity is a relationship with God that affects every other relationship in your life.

Gaining Equality or Serving Dreams

2006-01-17T20:54:00.000-05:00

Many feminists have written that femininity is an oppressive social construct created by men. They believe that if women throw off the chains of femininity, then they will be equal with men.

I believe that God places things in our hearts. I belive it's a joy to be feminine (and try not to use it to manipulate). Although I love jeans most of the time, every once in a while I love dressing up and going out girly. I don't find it oppressive to be beautiful and seen as attractive.

What makes me equal to my husband is not my brain (his IQ is higher), my education (I have a master's degree, he has an associates), my beauty (no need to compare myself to my husband there ;-)), my strength (he's way stronger), or any other physical or mental attribute. My husband and I are different from each other and from every other person on the planet.

What makes us equal is that we're both humans created by God. We're both beings of equal worth. We both have equally important goals and dreams. We work together to help each other follow our dreams.

My dreams have changed, because of the responsibilities of marriage and family. My husband encourages and sometimes even forces me to chase after my dreams when I want to give up. We both had to pray through our dreams and agree on them together.

My biggest dream is to make a difference in a lot of people's lives, in some way that hasn't happened yet. My husband's dream is to become a priest. We're working together to get him through seminary. We're working together to make my stay-at-home businesses to work.

It isn't what we human beings do that matters. It isn't whether or not my businesses make a lot of money or whether my husband finishes seminary.

It's that we're doing it with the right heart. We love God, and we're working for Him. We're raising our family for Him. I'm writing for Him. Bill is going to seminary for Him. We support each other in our walks towards the Lord and the plan He has for our lives.

Being a woman isn't about having equal power. Being a man isn't about power. Satan was about power when he was an angel who wanted to be like God. Adam and Eve sought power when they ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. I don't want to be like them.

I want to be like the Christ who served and died and rose to the right hand of the Father. I want to be a servant of God.

Under the Arm, Next to the Heart

2006-01-14T10:33:00.000-05:00

"Behind every good man is a good woman," goes an old saying. Serita Ann Jakes changed rewrote the saying in her book Beside Every Good Man. Her version says, "Beside every good man is a good woman." And she's right.

God created us to be at a man's side. "And the Lord caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept...Then the rib which the Lord God had taken from man He made into a woman." (Genesis 2:21-22) The rib isn't dragged behind a man by a chain. It isn't even located in the pelvis or some other area at a man's back. Ribs go under the arm and over the heart. God created women to live there.

When we are hugged by our husbands (who are usually taller than us), we are under their arms and over their hearts, like a rib. We rest in a place of security and love. Our heart lies next to his, and we are both next to and under our husbands. It's a position of mutual adoration,love, and peace. No one's insulted, no one's demeaned, and no one's oppressed.

Baby Ava: The Picture of Life

2006-01-13T22:43:00.000-05:00

Baby Ava was baptized this past Sunday. She's the daughter of a girl who spent quite a few months of her pregnancy in a home for unwed mothers.

I'm so thankful that Ava's mom, Tiffany, chose not to abort this beautiful girl.

I have to smile every time I see Ava. She's about a month old now and sleeps most of the time, but you can still tell that she has a sweet disposition.

What could be more appropriate a few weeks from the March for Life than the baptism of a girl who, unlike many other unborn children of unwed mothers, survived. This girl is already a survivor! Jeff Probst, give her the $1,000,000!

Thank you to the many generous donors of time and money to maternity homes for unwed mothers. You're all going to receive a special blessing for what you do for babies like Ava.

The Island

2006-01-13T18:30:00.000-05:00

The Island - starring Ewan McGregor and Scarlett Johanson
Five stars (with caution for gore essential to the plot)

If you haven't seen "The Island", you should. I'm going to include a spoiler here, so click to my previous post if you don't want to know. I remember when the movie came out last year, because it's premise reminded me of a short story I wrote a few years ago.

Like good science fiction, The Island takes a controversial issue, asks "What if this were possible in the future? What would society look like?" Specifically, it asks, "What if cloning were legal and successful? What would the business of cloning look like?" By extension, it also conquers the issues of stem cell research and abortion.

Buyers of the "product" are told that the cloned tissue is never conscious, it grows in sacks, and there's nothing human about a batch of tissue. But in reality, full-grown human clones are grown, made aware (because emotions and life are essential for good organs), and told that wonderful things await them in their future.

Clones are harvested for the organs and other tissues their wealthy human originals need. During one particularly gorey scene, a physically strong clone wakes up just as harvesting begins and runs down the hall with his torso cut down his sternum, yelling that he wants to live. He's shot in the legs with mini spear guns (b/c guns and other weapons would damage the organs) and dragged back to the operating table.

This movie should have caused a furor in the media, but instead they ignored it completely. They didn't want anyone to see this movie. Cloning and stem cell research sound great when you're talking about a few cells for quadraplegics, but when you talk about growing clones for organ transplants, a natural evolution of the procedure, the true ethics of the issue - life and death - become readily apparent.

When we're talking about stem cells and killing embryos when they're only 8 cells, it's one thing, but when you're watching "The Island" and see doctors in lab coats slitting open large sacks containing embryos grown as full-sized humans and jabbing syringes filled with death into their necks, the appalling nature of abortion shocks our sensibilities.

Filled with action sequences, chase scenes, and people shooting nails into other people's hands, this movie is designed for teens (and other lovers of the action genre). What better way to show this audience the real meaning behind the liberal drivel they get from university professors than a movie.

For a longer and more thorough analysis of this movie, visit ChristianAnswers.net.

Feminism vs. Femininity

2006-01-12T16:57:00.000-05:00

I'm starting to learn more about Feminism. It's been a while. I took a woman's studies course in college 10 years ago. Something I read the other day struck me, because it's very similar to something Pope John Paul II talked about.

One of the goals of feminism is to have women seen as human beings (like men are) instead of objects.

According to Pope John Paul, that's something every human being has wanted since Adam and Eve sinned in the garden of Eden. In the beginning, they were "naked without shame". There was nothing between them. Their physical bodies were an expression of their spiritual beings. Adam never said, "ooh, la, la, that Eve is HOT!" But, I bet she was. He loved her for her.

When Adam and Eve sinned, part of them died. There was something that was damaged in them that day. Bodies meant to live forever began to decay. Eyes that could see each other's spirits saw shame.

Through our salvation in Christ, we can begin to see each other as human beings again. Lust and self-interest give way to loving the other person. You see the love in the eyes of a couple still married in their 80's, and you know that lust has nothing to do with their emotions. They see each other's souls. They know the good and the bad in each other's hearts and love anyway.

That's what feminists want. That's what femininists have. (no typo there, I'm making up my own word). We give up control to another (Christ first, then our husbands) and simultaneously, our spouse gives up his control to Christ. We work together to serve Christ and His church. We live a difficult life of self-denial and service.

If you're a Christian and you've never denied yourself for Christ or served Him, you can't be a Christian.

Femininists refuse to be an object by "being" for Christ, and this unlikely humility forces men to see them as beings created in the image of God.

"I Don't Deserve to Be Beautiful"

2005-06-02T12:00:00.000-04:00

One of my friends wore a beautiful magenta dress. The color highlighted her skin and the style of the dress accented curves that she normally hid under sheath dresses. "You look beautiful," I told her. "You should wear more dresses like this one."

"My husband bought it for me," she said. "If you ever see me wearing a beautiful dress, he bought it for me. I don't feel feminine enough to wear something like this."

I have a lot of friends like her, and I know a lot of other Christian (and non-Christian) women like her. I too avoided femininity for years. I hid myself under baggy shirts and jeans 2 sizes too big. I pretended it was the style, but I did it because I was afraid of how I looked.

I don't remember any male in my family ever telling me I was beautiful. Perhaps my father did say it, but I don't remember. My husband encouraged me to buy beautiful and shapely clothes after we were married. He helps me to buy clothes that make me look good, and when we go to parties with friends, he says, "Why don't you wear that blue dress. I want to show you off."

Do you know how good that feels? The intense love I feel for my husband at that moment is incomparable. I stand taller; I put on a little extra makeup; I make sure I'm wearing tasteful jewelry. My husband changed me into the feminine woman I longed to be with words that showed that he knew he'd won a beauty and he wanted to show her off to the world.

He's doing the same thing for our girls. He tells them how beautiful they are. When they get dressed for church, I make sure to tell them, "Go ask your father how you look."

They go to their father and say, "How do I look, Daddy?"

"You look beautiful."

The girls beam with pride and happiness and dance on tiptoes out to the livingroom to practice their twirls.

Do you know a woman who lacks the outward signs of femininity? Perhaps she wears her hair in a convenient, but unattractive style. Does she wear dresses that look like sacks or clothes that hide her? It shows a lack of inner self-confidence. She needs encouragement.

God created women to be beautiful. Men have strength; we have beauty. We aren't meant to hide our beauty. We are commanded not to use it to manipulate men. As Alice Von Hildebrand says in The Privilege of Being a Woman, when a man calls a woman his mistress, it shows who is in control - the mistress. That's an abuse of power. Women (and men) should never abuse the power God gives them, but we are told that God gives only good gifts.

Encourage the broken woman, encourage her father, and encourage her spouse to tell her how beautiful she is. It will take time to heal the timidity, but gradually she'll blossom into the gorgeous woman she was created to be.

Sub-mission

2005-06-01T16:48:00.000-04:00

What do you think of when you hear the word "submission"? If you're like me, your hackles go up, your muscles tense, and your brain speeds up into fighting mode. I do NOT want to be submissive. Leave that doormat position for someone else. I don't fly a flag that says "Tread on Me".

I truly believe that God doesn't want women to be treated like slaves, obedient to their husband's every whim. So why is that the first thing that comes to my mind when someone says the word "submission"?

I picture uneducated women in long flowery dresses with big white doily collars, doilies on their heads, and 8 kids (all the girls in long prairie braids). (No offense to readers who dress like this or have large numbers of kids.) Why does a stereotype appear in my head at the first sound of the word "submission"?

The first time I realized that I COULD be submissive was when Christopher West changed the definition of submission in the CDs that radically deepened my walk with the Lord.

Submission, he says, is SUB - MISSION. Women have a sub mission. Our main role is to be a helper (Genesis 2:18) not a slave. In the order of Creation, we help our husbands to fulfill their mission. Do we have a different mission? Well, my husband couldn't be writing a blog to women from a woman's perspective, but part of his role as a Christian man is to tell the world about the good news of Jesus Christ. This blog is a part of that mission.

If my husband disapproved of the blog and wanted me to spend my time on a more profitable pursuit, my job as a wife would be to listen, pray, and do as he asked. Since my husband is a Christian man, I know he hears from the Lord.

More often than not, when we have a disagreement (whether or not I win), I realize later that he was right.

How do we help our husbands to fulfill their mission? (This question is best asked within a Christian family where the men have their priorities straight - God, wife, family, world.)

I have a terrible problem being on time. If you want me to be somewhere, tell me to be there 15 minutes earlier than you really want me. I used to make my husband late for church ALL the time. Now, we go to church 30 minutes early, and I'm only 5 minutes later than he wants me to be - and that's with getting 4 children ready too. I realized that I needed to listen to my husband when he told me that if I cared about God that I'd get to church on time. To support my husband's desire to be a Godly man, I needed to work harder to do my part.

More recently, I had to type 70 pages of term papers for my husband's seminary classes and create 2 bibliographies. (He doesn't use a computer.) It took hours and hours. He handed it to me three days before seminary, and I typed and typed. I had to do it after the kids were in bed, because I couldn't chase kids and type. I went to bed at 2 am several nights in a row to get the papers done. No complaining, though. My husband's mission was to complete the courses necessary for him to minister the gospel to others. My sub-mission was to type the papers that proved he'd learned the material so he could pass the courses.

I don't always think of my life in terms of sub-mission, but from now on, I know that I'm trying to live in sub-mission.

In my in my world, sub-mission has a hyphen.

So You Don't Feel Romantic

2005-05-27T10:44:00.000-04:00

Developing romance with a spouse isn't about chocolate, flowers, or candlelight dinners (men, keep it coming anyway). It's about communion.

We women want to know that someone hears us and understands us. We want intimacy. We want a man to think we're so desirable that he would ride up on his quarterhorse, six-guns blazing, to save us from the bandits. We want a knight in shining armor who would be willing to rescue us from a fire-breathing dragon.

Why do you think we like the bad boys?

James Dean and other rebels intrigue us. We want a man who's not afraid to be a man. Too many "good boys" seem bland and tasteless. Like white bread or oatmeal, they're good for you, but lack appeal. Forget the whole "sensitive man" thing! Give me a man who joined his friends in a fight to defend his honor. Give me a man who stands up for what's right, no matter the cost.

Women, if you want a husband with a sense of adventure, but feel your husband is as interesting as cardboard, ask yourself what you're doing to help him. Loving someone, being in communion in a Godly way, means encouraging them to be who God wants them to be. God created men to seek adventure. Many men watch football, since they can't play it. They go hunting and bring home a deer. They run around the woods in camo and shoot each other with paint pellets. Do you encourage your husband's wildness? Do you give him free time with the guys?

It may sound a little weird, but when we were first married, my husband played paintball in the woods with a bunch of friends. He'd come home after 4 hours stinky, sweaty, and excited. He'd talk for hours about how he and his team planned an attack and snuck up on the other team from behind. He was so alive and exciting.

I think a big problem for many couples is domination. One or the other spouse tries to be on top. It's the old "do unto others" thing. You don't want to be controlled, so don't control him either. Marriage isn't about control. It's a partnership of two people working in unity. The world says that someone has to be in control. God says someone has to be the head. The difference is that the head takes the responsibility for final decisions when there are disagreements, but when a couple works in unity, they talk through the disagreements until there is unity. They pray to hear what God is saying so that unity preserved. Control is no longer an issue.

When your husband feels wild and free, when you feel united with him emotionally, and when you're working together in unity, flames of romance appear.

Proverbs 31 and the Radical Woman

2005-05-27T10:09:00.000-04:00

This week I finally saw a "you can do it" book on Proverbs 31. There are about 5 on Amazon.com explaining how women can't be Proverbs 31 woman."Don't stress out. You can't do it anyway." was a common theme in those books.

How refreshing! Someone who looks positively at P31.

Like all good poetry, there are different correct ways to interpret P31. (One that someone else recently showed me is that the woman in P31 is the church. Try reading it while seeing the woman as the church. It'll open your eyes to interesting new possibilities.)

Let's look at a few verses using the perspectives gleaned from the Theology of the Body.

Prov 31:10 (NKJV) - Who can find a virtuous wife? For her worth is far above rubies.
To me, a virtuous wife is also a radical woman. She is wise and understands her true relationship to her Creator and His relationship to her. She loves her family and knows how to share her relationship with her Creator with them.

Prov 31:11 - The heart of her husband safely trusts her; so he will have no lack of gain.
Are we talking about monetary gain? I don't think so. He's gaining a friend, a lover, a companion, a supporter, and an advocate. They are one as Christ and His Church are one. He knows that she won't intentionally betray him or hurt him out of spite.They are united and in communion with each other and the Lord.

Prov 31:26 - She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness.
Wisdom comes from a relationship with the Lord. The virtuous wife has a relationship with God that gives her insight into difficult situations. There is no need for her to snap at her children, her husband, or even rude strangers. She taps into the Lord's love in difficult situations, since she's in communion with God, and can give out kindness even if her first instinct is to be angry, harsh, or spiteful in return. James talks about the power of the tongue. Those who can control their tongues control themselves. The virtuous woman's tongue is RULED by kindness. This suggests that her entire life is ruled by kindness - one part of the fruit of the Spirit.

Prov 31:29 - "Many daughters have done well, but you excel them all."
The virtuous woman's husband praises her with this comment. Don't we all want our husbands to tell us something like this? Unfortunately, we women often think that effort and perfectionism can get us there. But it can't. Living in romantic relationships with our Creator and spouse gives us the strength and ability to live lives of love without the stress of TRYING. Don't misunderstand me, it does take work and sacrifice, but the idea that WE can do it must disappear.

Our romantic relationship - our love relationship - our true communion - with Christ gives us the strength, ability and desire to fulfill our mission as radical women. There are several verses that come to mind. I'm going to paraphrase a few. "My yoke is easy and my burden is light." (aka - When you do things with God, He carries the weight while we work with Him.) "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (aka - God gives us the strength to work through even the things that seem impossible to us.)

I have a friend, she's about my mom's age, whom I believe has a love relationship with the Lord. Her life hasn't been easy or perfect, yet she radiates love and peace. She sets firm boundaries in her life to keep others from stealing from what God asks her to do. She prays through decisions as people request her time (many women do, because they see something special in her and want to learn from her), and is never afraid to say no.

The P31 woman seems so busy, but she does it peacefully and in God's time. The Great Romance between humans and their Savior involves peace, not hurry and bustle.

Equally Mary (who rested at her Savior's feet) and Martha (a hard-working and productive woman), the P31 woman lived a balanced, full, and peaceful life.

With the Lord's help, we too can be blessings to our families, accomplish much, yet live in a state of peace.

The Point of the One Flesh Union

2005-05-26T09:20:00.000-04:00

Let's be blunt. What's the point of the One Flesh Union? Is it merely an itch we need to scratch? Is it only for procreation?

Of course not. It's the most intimate way we can express communion with another person. God created the One Flesh Union to be a way for us to express a relationship as intimate as the one He will have with us.

Don't get me wrong. There won't be anything "s-e-xual" about our relationship with God in heaven. But on earth, it's the closest we can get to a complete body, mind, and spirit melding of two beings into one.

Why did God create us? Genesis tells us that he wanted to be in communion. He wanted to create children who would choose to love Him as He loved them. He wants a romance with us. He wants to live the Song of Songs with us.

God is a Father caring for His children, but He also wants an intimate love relationship that is most closely imitated by marriage between a husband and a wife. (Singles, you have a special role revealing the current relationship between the Church as the bride waiting for her bridegroom.)

God wants communion and created us to desire and long for communion - both with other people and with Him. God is in communion between the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. He wants us to join that communion in a way that allows us to receive all of the love that He has to give.

In marriage, physical union is a sign of the spiritual union that already exists. Physical does NOT come first. It expresses our spiritual need for union.

In a way, the physical union creates healing in our souls. As we unite with each other, the damaged places in our souls find love, peace, and acceptance. Two loving spouses who care for each other, through communion in the one flesh union, can find healing from the hurts and damage of the past. This healing carries them closer to wholeness in Christ.

When do we commune most closely with God? When we eat the body and drink the blood of Christ during "communion". What could be more intimate? There are other ways that we commune with our Lord, but through communion we are restored to His presence and renewed in our spirits.

Receiving Love

2005-05-25T07:38:00.000-04:00

Why is it that many Christians find that the women in their churches tend to be more "spiritual" than their husbands? Are they truly more spiritual or are their husbands just quiet?

I believe that many women are closer to God or farther from God than men. Most of us don't stand in the middleground of "doing ok" with God.

Why?

God gives everyone love in equal measure, but women can receive it more easily. We're designed to receive. Our physical bodies are stamped with the ability to receive love from our husbands, which is also a part of our invisible, spiritual natures.

Receiving comes with more striving to men, who are given the earthly role of initiating love, penetrating, and discovering. The role they play in representing on earth the heavenly relationship between God and man is different than our role.

I think of it like a symbolic play, where humans are the symbols playing out the greater meaning of the relationship between God and man.

We're on stage with all of creation watching. The husband initiates the courtship. "We love because God first loved us." The woman reciprocates the love. The result of God's love was the Creation - our creation, our world, sunsets, animals, stars, and more. The result of the love between men and women is also creation - the creation of children.

God loved his Son and the product of love was life. Men and women love and the product of their love is life (this is the primary basis for the Catholic stand on abortion and contraception). Life is to be appreciated and loved as a magnificent gift.

An interesting point here is that God is Triune (1 God with 3 parts). He is One and yet separate, and created the marriage relationship to show us how this could be true. A husband and wife are separate and distinct beings, yet they are "one flesh". The procreative act is more appropriately called by Catholic mystics the "one flesh union". For it is at that moment that God is present most powerfully in our marriage relationship.

Chew on that for a while!! I'll write more on that tomorrow. It took me a little while to not be weirded out by the fact that God is present at that most intimate moment. At first, it felt like an invasion of privacy.

Radical Day to Day

2005-05-23T14:00:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, I failed to be a radical woman for much of the day, but succeeded at the end. How?

It started when I didn't pay attention to my children for an hour or so. They were there, I was there, but I didn't walk around and monitor them. (That's important, because there are 4 under the age of 6.)

While I was putting a bunch of kids clothes on e-bay, my 4 year-old decided to cut her hair. She managed NOT to give herself a bald spot in the process. So all-in-all, I suppose it could have been much worse. Still, I flipped out. Then, I got depressed because I flipped out.

I hope I'm not the only one who gets mad at herself for losing her temper.

We were on the way to my inlaws house. I took the kids by myself and left my miserably sick-with-the-flu husband at home. The visit went well. We saw my kids' grandparents, aunt, 3 cousins, great-aunt, great-uncle, and 2nd cousin. We took the kids on a half mile walk to the local playground (the kids rode in a wagon).

When we got back, my niece asked me if we were going on to visit another relative with them. All I said was, "No", but inside, the dialogue continued....

"No. We never visit that house. In the 3 years since they moved in, we've never seen them because they won't see us. They've avoided us since your cousin was born. Can't you see how unfair it is that everyone invites us over and then visits them? No one says anything. No one confronts them. They enable it, and you probably think that we don't like them instead of it being the other way around."

I drove home with my kids as the rest of the family went on to visit this other relative. We've never confronted this relative, because my husband wants to leave the door open to them. He wants to reconcile the relationship, and we pray that one day it will happen.

It hurt. I felt like I'd been slammed from my happy, Christian world to the "real" world. A "real" world of pain, suffering, and damaged relationships. A world where no one wins and everyone loses.

When I got home, one of our priests was at the house with his wife to bring my husband communion. He'd missed church and communion that morning. I told him about the situation.

"That's not the real world," he said. "This is the real world." The world of love, communion, and friendship is the real world. The world of pain and suffering is the fake world.

My heart lightened immediately.

People who live in the "real" world know a lot about pain and suffering, and it's a part of them. I live in Christ's world. It's a world where beauty exists in every moment, Christ carries my heavy burdens, and I can be open to receive love from God and man without fear of hurt or sorrow. I'll experience my share of hurt on earth, but there's no need for me to fear it.

Last weekend, a prophetic priest named Father Jacob Danner taught the School of the Holy Spirit at my church. He gave a testimony about his wife's pain and suffering. She has migraine headaches non-stop. Her pain never ends. Even morphine won't take the edge off. Why won't God heal her? No one knows except for God, but when we plow through the pain, as we "walk THROUGH the valley of the shadow of death" we gain.

Archbishop Randolph Adler, the patriarch of the Charismatic Episcopal Church lost his daughter and her unborn child in a car accident 2 years ago and says it was the best thing that ever happened to him. Through the pain he saw the love, compassion, and grace of God in a way he'd never seen it before.

As women of Radical Femininity, we walk through the pain of life - we don't run away or try to avoid it - and God blesses us with strength, peace, and knowledge of Him. We strive to live in His presence moment by moment and bring heaven to earth.

Radical Femininity brings Christ to earth as we live our lives in His overcoming strength and power. We submit to His authority (and our husband's, pastor's, and those in authority over us) and we ACTIVELY forgive, love, and share. Radical Feminity is about DOING and not about passively being tromped on.

With my relatives, I choose to actively forgive, actively love, and actively experience peace. I can even actively wait for their change of heart. Actively wait? Absolutely! Because I will be praying and expecting reconciliation.

Equality of the Sexes

2005-04-27T12:07:00.000-04:00

Men and women are created equal. We have different gifts, but neither set of gifts is more important than the other. So why are the successes of men praised and the successes of women in the home looked down upon? Sin.

In our sinful world, the unspiritual pursuit of success, money, and power mean more than the eternal goals of a quiet life, a close relationship with God, and raising children to love the Lord. Even typing it down, desiring money and power seems to 'make sense'. Wanting to live quietly and raise Godly children seems weak and pointless. It's something that 'anyone could do' (not true, but it sounds true) and wouldn't bring us individual glory.

Titus 2:11-12 - "For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men, teaching us that, denying ungodliness and worldly lusts, we should live soberly, righteously, and godly in the present age"

Proverbs 28:22 - "A man with an evil eye hastens after riches, and does not consider that poverty will come upon him."

It's all about personal glory. Having your friends, neighbors, and strangers say, "Aren't you amazing. Aren't you smart. Aren't you important." Building up our pride through visible success makes us feel important, because we love the attention. But the attention doesn't bring happiness. There's a saying that football players who go pro have a disease brought on by wealth - cocaine addiction.

Proverbs 13:7 - "There is one who makes himself rich, yet has nothing; And one who makes himself poor, yet has great riches."

Proverbs 13:10 - "By pride comes nothing but strife, but with the well-advised is wisdom."

I John 2:15-17 - "Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love fo the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world - the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life - is not the Father but is of the world. And the world is passing away, and the lust of it; but he who does the will of God abides forever."

The problem with feminism is that it seeks to elevate women to the same status hungry state that worldly men live in. They burn bras to prove that they won't be "held down". Feminism has some valid concerns with helping men to see that women are valuable, but they've never gone at it in a Godly way. In a Godly society women are valuable because we're created in the image of God. We reflect a portion of His glory.

Femininity recognizes the differences between the sexes and seeks to elevate women to the Godly role we're created to fulfill. Some women are supposed to make a difference in the secular work world. It isn't that we can't do it, but most women will feel more fulfilled when they let go of the "pride of life" and stop trying to be men.

Men and women have different gifts. We're created to show different aspects of God (which we'll discuss another day). When we try to fill each other's roles we end up tired and frustrated.

Again, I'm a wife, mother, small business owner, and over-achiever. I don't think women should stay barefoot and pregnant (unless they want to or God's calling them to it), and they shouldn't allow themselves to be treated like doormats.

Men and women are both necessary. Our emotional and spiritual gifts are unique, special, and necessary. We need to stop expecting men to be more "sensitive" and women to be more "successful".

As Dr. Laura Schlessinger loves to say, "Men want to go out and slay the dragon for their wives." Women want to be a beauty worth of saving and fighting for.

There's a reason for manly desires to struggle and capture. There's a reason for women to want to be physically beautiful. There's nothing stronger than Christian women who live as God wants them to. Together we WILL change the world for the Lord.

We just can't do it through our own strength. We can't strive and succeed without sacrificing everything we hold dear. Together we will learn what it means to be women of God.

With these devotions for Christian women, we're going to explore Pope John Paul's Theology of the Body with help from Christopher West and others. I'll be applying their thoughts and ideas to what it means to be a woman today.

Pro-Life and Pro-Woman

2005-04-27T09:57:00.000-04:00

Feminism encourages the ultimate in anti-life propaganda. It encourages abortion, because abortion "frees" woman from being kept home with a child. It's as if they believe that children ruin lives. I recently discovered that the Susan G. Komen Breast Cancer Foundation donated $500,000 to Planned Parenthood. Why? It makes me wonder.

But it's abortion that ruins women's lives. For proof, read the stories of real women at Choose Life Ribbon, Priests for Life, and Silent No More.

Beginning to Explore the Soul

2005-04-26T10:53:00.000-04:00

Who are we, as woman? What are we meant to be? Feminists say that we can be anything a man can be. Some conservative Christians say that women are meant to be submissive (where submission = doormat).

The only answers that matter come from the Bible and from God.

As a woman, I want to be everything I'm meant to be - without sacrificing my purpose, my mission, my family, and my dreams. Some dreams are already gone, or are they? Are my dreams part of who I am to such an extent that they come from who I'm meant to be? Have I misinterpreted my mission and am I waiting for my true calling to appear?

I suspect that this is the case... at least for me.

I have a calling, as do all people, given to me by God. What is it? Let's start by finding out what a women are meant to be - what we are designed to do - what brings us joy - and what life's all about.

What is a Woman? The Great Romance

2005-04-22T11:13:00.000-04:00

What does the Bible say about what it means to be a woman?

In one sense, there are three types of women. There are women before sin appeared, women living now in a sin filled world, and women living in heaven when sin is no more.

We were created to be like women before sin appeared. There was only one woman who lived in this state, and that was Eve. We've heard lots of negatives about Eve and her sin. Eve has positive things to teach us too.

In Genesis 2:21, the Bible states, "And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place."

Adam was made from the dust of the earth, but Eve came from a man. Personally, I'd rather not be made directly from dirt. As a piece of rib, she came originally from a place near his heart, a structure that protected his heart and was wrapped securely by his arms. As women, we need to continue to guard our husband's hearts and protect them. Their hearts are far more sensitive than they will ever admit. In return, we are wrapped in our husband's arms and protected by him.

Genesis 2:24 - "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh."

Husbands and wives become one flesh in a physical, soulish, and spiritual sense. The one-flesh union (I think you ladies all know what I'm talking about here) was intended to be a complete joining that represents the communion of God the Father and God the Son. (The Holy Spirit is also important and in complete communion with the Father and Son, but for various reasons, it's not applicable here.) The communion between the Father and the Son is so complete that they are united as husbands and wives are during the one-flesh union (not in a sexual sense), but they are as individual as wives and husbands are as we live our daily lives.

Genesis 2:25 states - "And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed."

Do you like people to see you naked? I certainly don't. On an episode of Fear Factor, the contestants had to walk out naked onto a stage and let photographers take their pictures. Many people have nightmares about going to a public place naked or in just their underwear. Why is there fear?

We don't want to be seen and lusted after. When people look at our naked bodies, to they see us or our bodies? Our bodies. The desire of every person is to be loved for who they really are. We desire communion. After Adam sinned and ate the fruit, we became separated from God and who we really are (our souls and spirits) became separated from our physical bodies. This separation was the result of that sin and every sin since then. The sins in our lives have the same effect.

In the beginning, nakedness was beautiful. It showed love, the glory of God, and purity. It was truly the "temple of the Holy Spirit". It's not too late for us to begin to live this way now. Those with purity of heart can still see the body as it was meant. The purpose of the body and the glory of the body didn't change when our sinful modern world began. It was our hearts that changed.

I'm going to summarize a story. I don't have the specifics handy, but when I do, I'll update this section with names and dates. There was a bishop in Egypt over a thousand years ago who was leaving a meeting with a group of other priests and bishops. A gorgeous prostitute, the most famous one of her day, was being paraded in the streets by her owners to try to gain more business. You can imagine what she must have been wearing. One bishop looked at her in awe and the others averted their gaze. The other priests chastized him, "What are you doing? It's sinful to look at her." (And for them it would have been sinful.) "Can't you see what wonderous beauty the Lord has created?" the bishop said. He gazed at her with kindness and love that was so different from the lust she usually saw, that she sought him out, became a Christian, and then became a saint in the Catholic church.

We can't live in nakedness now, but our bodies were created to reveal the glory of God and show the world who He is.

Of all the analogies that help us to understand our relationship with God, none is as personal and intimate as the Bride and Bridegroom. Potter and clay, Shepherd and sheep, Master and servant are all great analogies that teach us about our relationship to God, but none shows us how much God loves us the way he does when he tells us that Christ is the Bridegroom.

As women, we are a picture to each other of who people are in Christ. Men and women are the church; we are all the bride of Christ. That is an amazing gift.

When we think of spiritual Christians who experience the love of the Lord, a majority of them are women. When we think of Christians who drag others away from the Lord, again, a majority of them are women. Women are both the best and the worst of humankind.

When we live for our best, we receive a 'Great Romance' with Christ that mirrors the dating relationship we have with our husbands. Mother Theresa of Calcutta occasionally fell asleep during mass in the chapel she shared with the sisters of her convent. When asked about it, she said that she loved to fall asleep in the loving arms of her Savior. She had a love relationship with Christ that surpasses what most of us expect from a typical church-going relationship.

God is calling us all to something deeper and more intimate than going to church on Sunday, singing songs, and living a good life. He wants a relationship.

Recently, I've begun having visions of running with Christ through fields of wildflowers on the side of a hill. Have you seen movies where two lovers run toward each other through a field of wildflowers and fall into each other's arms? It has that kind of a feeling.

I believe that's the kind of relationship he wants with all of us. The beloved woman in the Song of Solomon states (7:11) "Come, my beloved, let us go forth to the field; let us lodge in the villages. Let us get up early to the vineyards; let us see if the vine has budded, whether the rape blossoms are open, and the pomegranates are in bloom. There I will give you my love."

At the end of the book (Song of Solomon 8:14), she says, "Make haste, my beloved, and be like a gazelle or a young stag on the mountains of spices." Now, she's not talking about real mountains here. She's talking about something much more intimate.

As woman (and men too), we are called meant to love the Lord and be in communion with him - to be so intimately linked that there is no separation between us.

That is our future. We can begin our communion with the Lord here on earth, but the fulfillment of this call can't occur until the Lord returns.